Happy Valentine's Day Weekend! Thank you Jeremy for showing us the lighter side of love. Clips are posted on Facebook, if you'd like to tell people about this series.
This morning we continue our True Love series, with a look at some of the Bible's teaching on relationships. Today we'll look at the woman's side of a relationship; next week we'll look at the other side. Our conversation this morning doesn't just apply to married folks... but really anyone seeking love. So let's jump right into things...
Through the years you've probably heard Ephesians 5:22 quoted. The Bible admonishes, "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord." For sport, men tend nervously quote the first two words of this verse and no more!
In My Big Fat Greek Wedding one of the husband boasts, "I am the Head." To which his wife retorts, "Yes, but I am the neck!" There is a lot to consider in these verses.
First, Submission is Inevitable in Relationships
We shouldn't imagine the word "submit" has some archaic meaning, no longer understood today. It means just what you think it means. When you "submit", you begin yielding to someone else's will--to their thoughts and desires. And that's exactly what happens in relationships. Someone inevitably yields to another. Two people can't occupy the same space. So, one must take the high ground, one the low ground.
When I was younger my brother and I had bunk beds. We'd always squabble over who would get which bed. One would get the top, one the bottom, but we'd never ever occupy the same space! It could be hazardous sleeping on top, however! Whoever slept on the bottom could send the person on top flying from the top bunk. KaWham!
We shouldn't suppose that "submission" is some other-worldly phenomena. Submission is no more a Christian notion than a secular one. In fact, it's an apt description of reality--of what happens in relationships. Submission occurs in every relationship. In a work environment the employee submits to the employer. In the military, the soldier submits to the commanding officer. In sports, players submit to their coaches. In the classroom, students submit to teachers. Citizens submit to governing authorities. Psychologists observe that in every transaction, someone is always in a dominant/submissiveposture. It's not matter of "if," but "who" submits.
Second, Women Are Inevitably Subject to Men
I am speaking purely in a "descriptive" manner. Not saying how it should or shouldn't be. Maybe there are a few exceptions? But more often than not, it's mostly women who end up in submission to men. This is completely the result of the fall. In Genesis 3:16 God tells Eve, "Your desire will be for your husband, but he will rule over you." This is the same language used in Genesis 4:7 where God tells Cain, "Sin is crouching at the door. It desires to have you, but you must master it." The power struggle between male/female is just as real as the struggle against sin.
Allow me to share an all-to-common scenario. Let's say a young woman meets a guy. At first, he tries to win her over, with many words, with kindness. So long as she goes along with his tactic, and keeps pace, all is fine. He just keeps leading her along.
But suppose she suddenly throws the break switch. Most women would find themselves in an impossible circumstance. He wants more. We wants to accelerate the timeline. He has demands and expectations.
The dilemma many women face is, "Do I go along, and keep the peace? Do I resist? What if this is all there is for me? What if I can't do better? What if I end up lonely? Do I risk losing the relationship? If I give in now, maybe it will get better later? Maybe this is just how guys are? Maybe I'm the problem, and just need loosen up?"
And mixed into that equation is, "Oh, he's so cute! "
If you're a lady, consider who that boyfriend, young man, or husband will be. Inevitably, they are a person to whom you are ceding real power and influence. You're giving them power to shape not only your circumstances and potential happiness... but also your character, values, way of thinking, your behaviors/habits, your career/family, relationships, even your destiny.
There is a practical inevitability to submission, with men usually dominating, and women yielding, submitting to whatever the guy demands. It's just as the Bible says, "Her desire is for her husband, but he rules over her." Her desire is for something holy, but sin is crouching at the door.
Third, the Dangers of Submission are Real
The inevitability of such submission ought to alarms us. Every single person in this room would agree. It's dangerous whenever a person gains power, or influence over another. What if the person doesn't have character? What if they have bad intentions? What if they abuse their power? What if they're not spiritually grounded? What if they're wrong? Incompetent? Impulsive? Irresponsible? What if they're a religious fanatic, a chauvinist?
Christian or not, nobody would suggest you just give your partner a blank check, and just submit to whatever someone demands. Yet this is exactly what happens in many relationships. A partner submits to the other, despite the obvious dangers.
This happened with Adam and Eve. They were free to eat from any tree in the garden, except tree of knowledge of good & evil. But then Satan tempted Eve, "Did the Lord really say you're not to eat of any tree?" (Gen 3:1). Eve "saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food, pleasing to the eye, desirable for gaining wisdom... so she took some and ate. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it."
Adam seemed wanted to please his wife, at any cost. So he went along with her and it cost them everything. We see the same pattern in the story of Abraham. There were moments when Abraham demonstrated incredible faith. But there were other moments when Abraham chose to please his wife instead of God... like when Sarah convinced him to sleep with her maidservant. There were also moments Sarah wanted to please her husband, like the multiple occasions Abraham persuaded his wife Sarah to pretend to be his sister, and act immorally.
In Acts 7, a couple named Ananias and Sapphira sell a piece of property. "With his wife's full knowledge", Ananias "kept back part of the money for himself" but "brought the rest and put it at the Apostle's feet." He didn't have to lie. It was their money. They could have done anything they wanted with it. Giving to the church wasn't compulsory. But Ananias chose to lie, and he got his wife to go along with it. She didn't have to go along with him, but she wanted to please him, so she lied with him/for him! As a result they both came under the judgment of God.
Clearly there is a danger in submitting to your partner. One place this is spelled out with clarity is 1 Corinthians 7:33-34 where Paul warns, "A married man is concerned about the affairs of his world--how he can please his wife--and his interests are divided." And the same is true of wives. 1 Corinthians 7:34-35 he warns, "... a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world--how she can please her husband."
When both man and woman are submitted first to the Lord, their relationship can be a beautiful thing. But if one of you are not submitted to the Lord, it's just as Paul warns in 1 Corinthians 7:35, you're apt not to "live in the right way with undivided devotion to the Lord."
There is nothing inherently good, unique, or odd about a wife submitting to a husband, or even a husband submitting to a wife. But something deeper, something richer, must anchor a healthy, redemptive, love relationship.
Fourth, Nothing Trumps Our Submission to God
What's revolutionary about Ephesians 5:22 isn't that is prescribes submission--it's that it anchors submission in something far deeper than merely pleasing your partner. Submission is about pleasing the Lord :: "Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord."
What's revolutionary is that now a woman's cooperation has a limitation... the answer is yes, so long as whatever the relationship demands, pleases the Lord. Far from oppressive, the whole of Ephesians 5:22 is liberating. It provides a badly needed boundary for couples, and in particular, for women to thrive safely.
Ephesians 5:21-33 shows what it can be like when both the husband and wife are on the same page in a relationship, submitted to God.
"21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church-- 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."[b] 32 This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband"
Allow me to share some thoughts about living in true submission to God.
First, submit to God. Find out what pleases the Lord, and stick to it. Submission to God is always your best play. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness. Never deviate from God's will. There is nothing more beautiful than putting on the character of Christ, or living a holy & righteous life. In contrast, people are repelled by unwholesome talk, anger, bitterness, gossip, drunkenness, immodesty, greed, impurity.
Second, test your relationship. You don't really know the character of your partner when it's always "yes, yes, yes." Raise expectations higher, earlier. See what happens when you say no. See what happens when you live out your faith, draw clear boundaries, share Scripture, or even make worship, prayer, and service a priority. Does your significant other honor your faith?
Third, look/wait for a man. There is no guarantee that a boy will become a man. Not recommending you turn to Beyonce for advice, but she does have an interesting song called, "If I were a boy..." She laments boys never becoming men...
"If I were a boy, Even just for a day, I'd roll outta bed in the morning, And throw on what I wanted and go... Drink beer with the guys, And chase after girls, I'd kick it with who I wanted, And I'd never get confronted for it, 'Cause they'd stick up for me."
"If I were a boy, I would turn off my phone, Tell everyone it's broken, So they'd think that I was sleepin' alone,... I'd put myself first, And make the rules as I go, 'Cause I know that she'd be faithful, Waitin' for me to come home
"But you're just a boy, You don't understand, Yeah, you don't understand, You wish you were a better man, You don't listen to her, You don't care how it hurts, Until you lose the one you wanted, 'Cause you've taken her for granted, And everything you had got destroyed
Fourth, don't ignore relationships. It's true that an apple doesn't fall far from the tree. What kind of family does your potential partner come from? Pay close attention to their friends as well. Do they show proper respect? What's their reputation? Do they show self-control and moderation?
Fifth, save sex for marriage. Sex doesn't change the character of a relationship--it kind of obligates you to the character that's already there. Cohabitating, sexual intimacy doesn't exempt you from danger, it heightens it.
Sixth, don't take grace for granted. I lot of people throw caution to the wind, and live as they please, knowing God will forgive them later. I'll tell you, God can step you through the mess later in life, but its terribly painful, and there's no guarantee you'll be receptive.
Finally, focus on becoming the right person (like Christ), not finding the right person. Instead of praying that God will give you the perfect spouse to love, pray that God would make you into the perfect spoue for something that he loves.
See "Ten Pillars of Marriage" for more advice about relationships.