Years ago, William Bennett published a survey that has been reprinted everywhere. In 1940, public school teachers were asked to name their top disciplinary problems. They cited pressing evils like talking out of turn, chewing gum, making noise, running in the halls, cutting in line, dress code infractions, and littering. In 1990, a similar follow-up survey was conducted on public school teachers. In 1990, the top disciplinary issues included drug abuse, alcohol abuse, pregnancy, suicide, rape, robbery, and assault.
Your child’s parallel culture.
I have been out of high school for a while, almost ten years. I grew up in one of the finest rural school districts in Illinois. Parents were moving into our school district to get away from the big city problems. In high school I couldn’t believe the things that took place in the classroom, in full view of unconcerned teachers. These were things that are inappropriate to mention here. My peers openly exchanged drugs in the locker rooms, in the hallways, and in study hall. Alcoholism was rampant. Kids regularly got plastered most every weekend. They would sneak alcohol to school and hide it on school grounds. Sexual harassment was commonplace. The bullying that took place was unbearable, and fistfights were a regular occurrence throughout the school. My senior year a number of girls graduated pregnant. Some didn’t ever graduate. Some of my classmates attempted suicide. Some were victims of date rape, while others had been sexually assaulted at parties. Some got arrested for theft.
That was ten years ago. I don’t think much has changed in the last ten years! Parents, if you think your child is sheltered from these evils, you are blind! Some time ago I was talking to a Sunday school teacher who was offended that some of these issues were beginning to appear in her Bible school curriculum. She was part of the old school. She was naïve. She was out of touch. She thought that these evils were confined to the inner city or to some secular band of thugs. I told her that the very children who were present in her class were confronted every day with drug abuse, alcohol, the threat of teen-pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and the like.
She shook her head in sheer disbelief as she walked away in full denial. I so badly wanted to grab her and shake some reality into her! I wanted her to understand the parallel culture her students endured day in and day out. They experience a culture of self-worship, of instant-gratification, of overly sexualized role models ,of no-consequences, and a culture riddled with media lies. I wanted her tohave a taste of the pressure cooker environment that her students live in. When she was a kid it was bubble gum and tardiness. But that was then and kids today are trying to escape their painful lives by turning to alcohol and by indulging in the fleeting, short-lived thrills of instant gratification.
Open your eyes to their world.
We can no longer turn a blind eye to the polluted culture our kids must grow up in. So many of the kids I talk to today feel powerless. They feel alone in their struggle. They feel embarrassed to talk about the pressures that they face each day. They are afraid of what their parents might say, or even do, if only they knew. We need to come alongside our youth and encourage them instead of judging them. If you can get past their pierced tongues, colored hair, tattoos, sloppy appearance, and often-cynical attitudes, you will hear some deeply personal and often painful stories.
Your child is a gift From God.
I have long felt that we can do better for our youth and for our children. Every child, every teenager, every high school student, is a gift from God. Parents, your son or your daughter is a priceless, irreplaceable treasure that God has entrusted into your care, but only for a short time. You have a very limited window of opportunity and an enormous responsibility to help your child lay a foundation of godliness in his or her life.
Malachi 2:15 (NIV) tells us that this is one of God’s purposes in marriage. "Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring."
Laying a foundation of godliness.
Parents, what is so alarming to me is that so many of you are sending your kids into our culture without first laying a foundation of godliness in their lives. As a parent you love your children and have a lot of noble purposes in mind for them. You want them to strive for academic excellence and to be at the top of their class. You want them to strive for athletic excellence and to be the star player on the team. You want them to be attractive, to be popular, to choose a profitable career, to have their needs met, and to be free of the burdens you carried as a youth.
Choosing what is best over what is good.
The challenge for you is to choose between what is good and what is best. Academic excellence is good. Physical conditioning is good. Sports are good. But what is good is not always what is best. What is best is laying a foundation of godliness in your child’s life. In 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 (NIV) Paul says, "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames but have not love, I gain nothing." In 1 Timothy 4:8 (NIV) Paul says, "For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come."
The challenge for you as a parent is to put what is best before what is good.
There is no greater gift that you can give your child than to train them in godliness, than to lay a firm foundation of godliness. Imagine getting just as excited about your child’s godliness as you do when they get an A+ on their report card, or score a goal, or shoot the game winning shot. Imagine if you were just as eager to get them into Bible school, youth groups, and worship as you are to get them to their next ball game or sporting event or school activity.
Today, most everything trumps this training for godliness. We are training our kids to prioritize every activity except the development of godliness. Is it any wonder that our kids crash and burn when confronted with evil? Their A in geometry didn’t prepare them to live a godly life. Their finely honed basketball or soccer or volleyball or softball skills left them ill-prepared.
Your job is to raise godly offspring.
The point is that we can and must do so much better for our kids. The very mission of parents is to raise godly offspring. Please listen again to the word of God in Malachi 2:15 (NIV). "Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring."
God is not seeking superstar athletes. God is not seeking Harvard or Yale PhD's. The measure of successful parenting in God’s eyes is this: are you children godly? God is seeking godly offspring. This is to be a parent’s first priority. This is that best thing that should trump the other good things in life.
Parents, you have your work cut out for you! The flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit of God. Your kids will groan. They will whine. They will complain. They will stomp. They will throw tantrums. They will want to do everything but train for godliness. But in the end they will be deeply grateful for the foundation you laid in their lives.
Rise to the challenge.
When I was in grade school my parents labored tirelessly to lay a foundation in my life. They drug me to church. They drug me to Bible school. They drug me to Wednesday night youth groups. They drug me to home Bible studies. They didn’t ever relent. In addition to these things, they sat me down at the table on certain nights and had me doing Bible lesson homework. I remember looking out the window watching my friends playing kickball and not being able to join them until I first studied the Bible. There were nights where we would be challenged to memorize Bible verses. They had me prepare a devotional thought and prayer for dinner once a week.
They were intentional about this godliness stuff, and it was there in my life when I really needed it to be there. Am I grateful? You'd better believe it. Parents, you need to provide spiritual leadership in your family. You are in the driver's seat. Don’t let your kids dictate family priorities. Teach them to say "no" to the things of this world and "yes" to godliness.
Teach them by your tenacity and persistent example that it is godliness first. When they groan and moan and say, "Bobby doesn’t have to…", respond to them with the words of Joshua in Joshua 24:15 (NIV). "But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD." Tell them that God will hold you accountable for your leadership and for whether or not you took the time to train them to be godly. Tell them, "Son, you are the only thing I can take with me to heaven. If I don’t train you to be godly now, I run the risk of not spending eternity with you. So I hope you will understand why this is a non-negotiable."
Be a solid role model.
I want to shift gears a little and press this further still. So many parents today want their kids to become what they have not become. Parents want to lead their kids to places where they themselves aren’t willing to go. Parents want to lead their kids by proxy instead of being a personal example and role model for their kids to follow behind.For example, parents want their kids to be trained to become godly, but they aren’t willing to train themselves to be godly. They want to drop their kids off at the church doors, but they themselves aren’t willing to grow deeper.
Parents, I think your kids deserve better. I think that they deserve a godly role model. If they see the Spirit of God knocking the chip off your shoulder, they’ll open themselves up for the same work of God. If they see the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness and self-control) growing in your life, they will imitate you. If they see you making time for God, they will make time for God. If they see you making sacrifices and disciplining your life, they will develop the same habits in their own lives.
A while back Lara and I sat by a family in a restaurant. The parents sat away from each other. There was tension. The husband had a scowl on his face. The wife had her arms crossed and was fuming about something. Their three kids sitting across from them were a mirror image, a carbon copy, of their parents. The kids were provoking each other. They were elbowing each other. The mother kept kicking the one boy in the shin, telling him to shape up his attitude. And the son had no respect for his mother and kept shouting, "Stop kicking me." She wasn’t being a leader. Neither parent was setting an example. They wanted their kids to be what they themselves weren’t willing to become. Godly!
Every family deserves to have a bad night or two! This is very normal. But every child deserves to have a godly role model present in his or her life. Your child is not so much a product of culture as he is a reflection of your life.
Stages of godly development.
I spent most of this last week in Lincoln, along with over a dozen members of this church, learning about disciple-making. Another word for disciple-making is parenting. Parents are to disciple their children. Parents are to teach their kids how to follow Jesus Christ. Parents are to lay a foundation of godliness in their child’s life. This week we discovered the process that Jesus used to make disciples. This is a process that has direct application to parents seeking to raise godly children. There are four stages to this process of making disciples, or of parenting.
The first stage: Come and see.
When Jesus first encountered his disciples he gave them a very low commitment invitation. "Come and see. Observe me.Watch my life." Jesus' first disciples attended wedding feasts with Jesus. They watched him teach in the synagogues. They were spectators. They were passive observers. They were mere seekers. They observed how Jesus handled conflict, how he dealt with temptation, how he loved people, and how he coped with the pressures of life. They did this for months before they made any kind of commitment to Jesus.
The second stage: Follow me.
After a time Jesus drew a line in the sand and said, "Come, follow me." In effect he told his disciples, "Now that you know I am the real thing, why not become what I am? Why not cultivate a God-pleasing lifestyle?" And so Jesus began laying a foundation in their lives. He taught them. He challenged them. He helped them become more consistent. He cultivated new values and beliefs in their lives. He spoke the truth in love. He kept a close eye on them and created highly controlled learning opportunities. Jesus did this for several years. During this time his disciples made mistakes. They failed. They learned through the school of hard knocks. They disappointed Jesus. They brought pleasure to Jesus.
The third stage: Be with me.
After a time Jesus challenged his disciples to step it up a notch. "Be with me." During this stage the disciples moved deeper in the basics. Jesus would send them off on brief assignments to test them, to stretch them, and to grow them deeper. He gave them significant responsibilities. He took calculated risks.
The fourth stage: Remain in me.
There came a point where Jesus could no longer be with the disciples. He was about to die on the cross. He was about to ascend into heaven. He instructed his disciples, "Remain in me. Remain in the things that I have established you in."
When I saw these four stages, I saw a close connection to parenting. When children are young they observe their parents with a microscope. In effect, they are at the "come and see" stage. They are sponges. They just soak everything in. Nothing escapes their notice. They pick up on every little attitude shift, every frown, every smile, every subtle overtone, every strength, every weakness, and every priority. You name it.
But then as they get a little older, they begin to follow the example of their parents. They are learning new habits and behaviors. They begin imitating you. If you scowl, they scowl. If you say dumb things, they repeat them in public.
Anyhow, as parents you can apply these four stages to your child’s development. When your children are infants, you can set a godly example for them to observe. As they grow from infancy into that preteen age, they will follow your example and gradually become whatever you are, for better or for worse! When they are teenagers and in high school, you can mentor them and establish them deeper in the basics of godly living. You can coach them through the pressures they face. You can use their high school years as a training ground to prepare them for the rest of their lives. And then when they move off to college and begin their lives, you can have peace of mind as they remain in the things you established them in from an early age. As they start their families, they will raise godly children and their godly children will raise up godly children!
Leave a legacy.
A few weeks ago Jay shared two stories with me that wrap up what we’ve heard today. There were two families. The Edwards family was most notable for producing the famous eighteenth century preacher named Jonathan Edwards. Jonathan’s father was a minister and his mother was the daughter of a clergyman. Jonathan grew up with his parents actively attending to his godly development.
Among his parents’ descendants into the late twentieth century were fourteen college presidents, more than one hundred college professors, more than one hundred lawyers, more than thirty judges, and more than sixty physicians. Their family has also given us more than one hundred clergymen, missionaries, and theology professors, and about sixty authors!
By contrast, the spiritually poor Jukes family has been estimated to have cost the state of New York millions of dollars over the years. Since the late eighteenth century the Jukes have produced three hundred professional paupers, sixty thieves, one hundred thirty convicted criminals, and fifty-five who were victims of sexual obsession. Only twenty members of the Juke family ever learned a trade, and ten of those did so while in state prison. Sadly, the family produced seven murderers.
The lesson is so clear and compelling. Why did God bring families together? Malachi 2:15 (NIV) says, "Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring."
Parents, you hold the keys to the future generation. Your example will endure not just for one generation, but for multiple generations. Never apologize to anyone, and especially not to your kids, for taking the time and making this training in godliness your number one priority. Lead them in the direction God would have them go. Set an example for them to follow. Let your personal godliness and growth rub off on them. Come alongside them and encourage them down the path of godliness.
Parents, your kids deserve so much better than what we often give them. Don’t settle for good things when you can give them the best. Give them God. Leave a legacy of godliness that they might follow in your steps. Impress upon them God’s truth and they will thank you till the day you die. And when you reunite in heaven, they will thank you for eternity.
You are a steward of the precious gift of your child’s life. Be faithful always.