Larrissa writes, "I am having extreme difficulty forgiving my son for his lies and betrayal. I raised my son alone and he and I overcame many adversities. I taught him right from wrong and tried to instill in him the art of being a caring person. I know now that along the way, he was very angry inside due to the absence of his biological father. My son started to get in trouble when he was in elementary school. At that time it was nothing serious."
She continues, "As he got older, he began to develop a split personality. At home he would lie and pretend that everything was going well at school. But at school there was a different story. To make a long story short, he progressed into bigger troubles. He spent time in jail and now he just returned to jail for the third time. I have not spoken to him this time because I am unwilling to listen to his false promises about changing his behavior. I know that my unwillingness to forgive is unhealthy. I am praying and trying very hard to understand what is causing me to feel so deeply this time around. It is very painful for me to continuously support him and forgive him."
(Source: A Campaign for Forgiveness Research. www.forgiving.org)
Patricia writes, "I am forty years old and I don’t know how or where to start forgiving. The first memory I have is of being molested at the age of twelve by a boy next door. The second memory I have is being raped five days before my sixteenth birthday. For years I have hated myself, my body, my looks, everything about me. [I’m] always asking the same questions. Why me? Why does God hate me? I take a long time before I can trust people. I always have my back against the wall. I refuse to let anyone hurt me again. I really don’t know where to go from here. If anyone has the first step I should take, please e-mail. Thank you."
(Source: A Campaign for Forgiveness Research. www.forgiving.org)
David writes, "In 1981 I was "dismissed" from a software company at which I had worked for seven years. It was work that I enjoyed. I made a comfortable living at it and many of my friends worked there. As Vice President of Sales for the company I put in my share of blood, sweat, and tears to help the company grow from five to seventy-five employees and from 30 clients to over 500. And I was in line, or so I thought, for a "piece of the action" since I had played an important part in getting the company started."
He continues, "But a growing disagreement with the president of this company became a rift that would not soon be healed. As this rift evolved into my being fired I saw two of my close friends, fellow members of the executive staff of the company, abandon me to my fate. I felt betrayed. This feeling only deepened when soon after my separation, one of my "friends" took my position as Vice President of Sales and the other became president of the company soon thereafter. Bitterness wrapped me in its arms and held me very tight. Every day that passed I thought of ways that I could get back at my betrayers. I fantasized about the calamities that would befall them. The anger would sometimes boil into rage and sometimes simmer into contemptuous regard for their extreme lack of integrity. There was never a doubt in my mind that I judged them rightly."
"From time to time I would hear of the successes experienced by my betrayers from mutual friends. Their company was prospering, new marketing programs were resulting in rapidly increasing sales, the company was growing, and its employees seemed to be happy with their management. In the meantime my life was taking a nosedive. Two failed business ventures wiped out the equity in our home. Our circle of close friends had dwindled from a dozen or more to just three while the rest (were) undoubtedly driven away by my bitterness. And these three were also friends of my betrayers. For me, that was the salting of an open wound. My fortieth year was approaching and I was exhausted by my climb to the middle of my life. I saw nothing ahead but a slow decline to old age and death. I was broken by blame."
The common theme in the three stories is forgiveness.
Three entirely different stories, but one common theme: forgiveness. I wonder how many additional stories might be collected here this morning if each of us were interviewed and asked to share our story. A friend who hurt you. A parent who disappointed you. A co-worker who wrecked your reputation. A child who lied and deceived you. A relative who violated your body. A spouse who broke their marriage vows. A neighbor who cheated you. A teacher who failed you. An authority figure who abused his power. A doctor, a pastor, a lawyer, a boss, a drunk driver, a criminal who, a careless soul who..... you name the incident. Of this we can be sure. All of us have been or will be hurt in small and great ways by another human being. We are like a bunch of porcupines. We need one other, but we can never get close enough to each other without pricking and poking one another and inflicting some degree of hurt.
In order to live and enjoy life to the fullest it is necessary that we get our arms around this thing called forgiveness. I think most of us would agree with the sentiments of Franklin Adams who quipped, "To err is human; to forgive, infrequent." The quote is supposed to read, "To err is human; to forgive, divine."
We fall short of God's standard for forgiveness.
The truth is that we cannot bring ourselves to forgive like God does. We frequently fall short of the divine mandate to forgive those who hurt us. Don’t misunderstand. I don’t want to be one of those preachers who makes forgiveness sound easy. We know from life experience that giving forgiveness is as tough as nails. We can never conjure up enough guilt in ourselves to motivate forgiveness.
Forgiveness requires a resource that exists beyond ourselves and beyond our willpower. It is a slow process that can take weeks, months, years, or even an entire lifetime. And the deeper the hurt, the longer and tougher the process of forgiveness becomes. If you are looking within to forgive, the process will grind to a halt!
A couple weeks ago we considered Jesus’ promises regarding freedom. In John 8:31-32 (NIV) Jesus makes a simple promise of freedom to us. He says, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." And in John 8:36 (NIV) he promised, "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." You will not be surprised to learn that Jesus had something to say about forgiveness. What Jesus says, if trusted and obeyed, can truly set us free from the hurt, the pain, the sorrow, the agony, the bitterness, or anger that we harbor. And that is exactly what some of us need this morning more than anything else. Let me share two surprising, paradoxical insights about forgiveness from teachings of Jesus.
Jesus' first teaching about forgiveness: Receiving forgiveness in order to give.
You will remember that familiar parable Jesus told in Matthew 18. Moments before Jesus tells the parable, Peter pulls Jesus aside and asks in Matthew 18:21 (NIV), "How many times shall I forgive my brother who sins against me?" Peter understandably had in mind some sort of number or limitation to forgiveness. Knowing Peter’s heart, Jesus tells him in Matthew 18:22 (NIV), "…not seven times, but seventy-seven times." It doesn’t take much creativity to guess what Peter’s follow-up question would have been. Jesus must have picked up on it in a heartbeat and read Peter’s mind. "Lord, why should I forgive even seven times? Let alone seventy times seven times?"
In a recent interview Hillary Clinton reflected on this verse. "In the Bible it says they asked Jesus how many times you should forgive and he said seventy times seven. Well, I want you all to know that I’m keeping a chart."
But Jesus had much more in mind than a fixed quota like seventy times seven. So he tells a parable in Matthew 18:23-35 (NIV). "Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents (literally millions of dollars) was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii (literally a few dollars). He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.' But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened. Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. 'This is how my heavenly father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.' "
We have been forgiven millions by God!
If Peter was shocked at Jesus’ first response, he would have passed out and hit the floor after hearing Jesus tell this loaded parable. The only way Peter would ever be able to forgive seventy times seven, or even at all, was for him to reflect on his relationship with God. Jesus was telling Peter, "You have been forgiven millions by God. What business do you have sweating a few dollars? God has been gracious, merciful, and patient to you. Why should you be anything less to others? Why should there be two different standards, the standard God uses with you and the standard you use with those who have hurt you?" But Jesus was also telling Peter, "You will never have to forgive anyone anywhere nearly as much as God has already forgiven you for the sins you have done."
When contemplating whether he should forgive, it was much easier for Peter to focus on the unworthiness of his brother to receive such forgiveness than it was for him to focus on his own unworthiness before God. Jesus knew that if he could get Peter to consider his own unworthiness and how much God had already forgiven him in Christ, Peter would have no trouble forgiving his brother seventy times seven times.
And so Peter had a place to start the forgiveness process. Instead of staring daggers at his brother, he needed to take inventory and get his arms around God’s forgiveness. Because he had received such profound forgiveness, he was now in a position to freely give forgiveness to others. Peter had a new and better motivation. But there is another surprising, paradoxical insight about forgiveness from teachings of Jesus.
Jesus second teaching on forgiveness: Giving forgiveness in order to receive forgiveness.
Whenever Jesus taught on forgiveness, he always raised the stakes. It almost sounds wrong to say that Jesus put a "condition" on receiving God’s forgiveness. In Matthew 5:23-24 (NIV) when he was teaching about resolving anger Jesus said, "If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother, then come offer your gift." As a matter of priority Jesus was telling us not to waste our time pretending to worship God when our hearts are filled with bitter revenge. "First go and be reconciled to your brother, then come offer your gift." It is hypocritical, even contradictory!
In the Lord’s Prayer Jesus is even more exacting as he teaches us how to pray. Matthew 6:12 (NIV) says, "Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors." And continuing in Matthew 6:14-15 (NIV), "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."
In Matthew 7:1-2 (NIV) Jesus builds on this further. "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
In Mark 11:25-26 (NIV) Jesus says, "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." And in James 2:13 (NIV) Jesus' brother James writes, "Because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!"
The Bible says that we must first forgive others in order to receive God's forgiveness.
There is a correlation between giving forgiveness and receiving God’s forgiveness. As we saw a few moments ago, we cannot truly give forgiveness, not even a few denarii’s worth, until we first receive God’s forgiveness. But paradoxically, we cannot truly receive God’s limitless forgiveness until we first show forgiveness to our brother. What this means is that from God's perspective, it is inconceivable that we could ever possess that which we weren’t also willing to give freely to others. God does not allow us to be greedy with his forgiveness. A condition for receiving God’s forgiveness is that we must freely give it away to others. We must give his forgiveness away to others so that we can receive it back ourselves. God never intended for his Son’s death on the cross to be the one final act of forgiveness. He intended for that selfless act of forgiveness to be carried on every day in our lives as we reciprocate every hurt we receive with the generous forgiveness of God.
Let me try saying it this way. Forgiving others is the only true and acceptable way to worship and celebrate God’s forgiveness in Jesus Christ. You haven’t worshiped the God of forgiveness until you have first learned to forgive. As a matter of freedom, let me offer some practical suggestions.
Forgiving is a process that evolves over time as we receive God’s forgiveness, but also grow to share that forgiveness with those who hurt us. Forgiving is an act of worship. Every person who hurts us is an opportunity to deepen our understanding and appreciation of Christ’s forgiveness. Forgiving isn’t for the weak. It is for the strong. Forgiving is evidence of God’s presence and power in a person’s life. It is the miracle of God’s grace working in our lives, overflowing through us into the lives of those around us. Remember that to err is human, but to forgive is divine.
We will never have to forgive anyone as much as God has already forgiven us in Christ. God forgives us millions. In contrast, we are required to forgive pennies and dollars. We can never hoard or be greedy with God’s forgiveness. In order to keep on receiving God’s forgiveness, God requires us to forgive our brother. We must give in order to receive!
Last, forgiveness isn’t cheap or free. It cost God’s Son his life. In order to live in God’s forgiveness we must pay the daily rent of forgiving men their trespasses. For all of us, regardless of our hurt, that is a significant price. But it’s the key to freedom.
Let us pray. Let us not be like the unmerciful servant who lost perspective and did not understand nor appreciate how many millions of sins he had been forgiven of in God’s eyes. Let us not be like the wicked servant who refused to show mercy, but instead grabbed and choked and condemned and exacted revenge on the one who owed him mere dollars. Let us instead follow in Christ’s steps, who not only forgives seventy times seven, but who forgives millions and clears the accounts of those who have sinned against him.