Roughly every year for Father’s day, I get a new pair of New Balances as a reminder. I take the utmost care of them. I do my best not to walk in grass, run in them, or get them scuffed. But just like every other pair of shoes that I own, they eventually get scuffed. And that scuff is disappointing to say the least. My hard work of prevention has finally failed. That scuff often turns into a mark, that mark into a stain, and that stain usually turns into my new mowing shoes. But really there’s two options for me at the scuff, right? 1) I can work to clean the scuff off my shoe and get it back to basically good as new. Or 2) I can wait until next Father’s day and try again. Sometimes my decision is based on how close we are to the next Father’s day.
If you were here last week, you heard the disclaimer from Jon that this morning we’re going to be having a bit more “mature content” as we dive into scripture. I just want to reiterate that if you’d like to discuss the things that will probably come up around the scripture “do not commit adultery” with your kids at home, that’s totally okay! We have programming for any student in elementary school. (During second service, junior high and high school programming as well). I’m going to start us off with prayer and then we’ll dive right in.
*Prayer*
So, what does a new pair of New Balances have to do with this topic of adultery? I hope that by the end of this morning, you’ll see that Jesus wants to arrest sin even in the lesser seen places in our lives. Preventing us from feeling like we’re a mess too far gone. This imagery is imperfect, as all imagery is, because the grace of Jesus and the cross reveals that you’re never too far gone for the goodness he has in store for you. Really this imagery is somewhat in jest, but as we talk today about adultery and we peel back the many layers that this topic holds, I think we need to start with this reminder:
God has designed and gifted us with the good gift of sex.
It doesn’t take long to look at scripture and realize this. All the way from the start in Genesis, “be fruitful and multiply” is a foundational passage establishing sex as an intentional design of God’s.
Or you can look at verses that come from passages like Proverbs 5 - describing a man to find joy in sexual pleasure with his wife or 1 Corinthians 7 - where Paul calls husbands and wives to have sexual relationships with one another, in an effort to fight sexual immorality. And I haven’t even mentioned the entire book of Song of Songs - a love poem between a husband and wife. It starts with “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth…” and then progresses to share about their sexual intimacy in poetic form.
But, like other gifts that God has given us, he has put boundaries around it. Not for nothing. Marriage is not just between two people, but it’s a covenant made in God. And not only that, but it’s also a representation of Christ and the church. It’s saying, I choose you. No matter what… in sickness and in health, in riches and in poverty. Through it all, you are my person. And sexual intimacy with your spouse is precious, but not as precious as what it signifies with our relationship with Jesus. Complete unity, not sharing with anyone else. Being one.
That’s why the boundaries around sexual intimacy are straight forward. Sexual intimacy is to remain between a husband and wife. Full stop. Not the person you are going to marry who isn’t yet your husband or your wife. Not the person on the screen. No. Plain and simple, it is between a husband and wife. Anything outside of that would be committing adultery.
Naming Adultery
Let’s look at what Jesus says in Matthew. Matthew 5:27-28 ““You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
I think a lot of people today hold onto this commandment, “do not commit adultery.” in a similar way that the religious leaders in biblical times were. It’s the idea that as long as you haven’t done anything physical with someone else, you haven’t committed adultery.
But what Jesus is calling us to is something so much more.
Adultery, turning to someone who isn’t your spouse and engaging in this sacred gift with them, doesn’t start when the action happens, but it starts with the eyes. And the sin that is committed is within the heart.
I’m not saying that every time you find someone attractive, you have instantly committed adultery with them in your heart. That’s not the case - God created beauty, we need to be able to appreciate the beauty in the people around us without lustful thoughts or desires.
There’s a prayer that comes from Every Moment Holy, a book of prayers for practical moments. This is called “Upon Seeing A Beautiful Person”
“Lord, I praise you for the divine beauty reflected in the form of this person. Now train my heart so that my response to their beauty would not be twisted downward into envy or desire, but would instead be directed upward in worship of you, their Creator - as was your intention for all such beauty before breaking of the world.”
But when that turns to lust, it dishonors your spouse, it dishonors the person you’re looking at, and it dishonors the image of God in that person.
This is why Jesus teaches that adultery isn't just physical. It can also be emotional, or relational, or mental.
When we limit adultery to just a physical act, we do ourselves a disservice in this battle we have ahead of us. We can quickly say, just don’t watch pornography. But what about the movies you go to, the tv shows you watch, or the books you read?
Media
I think the reality of our current culture is that we have become numb to the over-sexualization in everything. There are the extremes like Game of Thrones or 50 Shades of Grey where they attempt to blur the line between art and pornography - which have a real negative impact on your heart. But I think we have to consider the impact that all media is having on us.
TV shows with constant crude humor, movies with a whole range of sex scenes, books that are overly descriptive, social media posts that flaunt desirability, video games that are indecent. It all impacts your heart. This is what Jesus is warning us against. You look lustfully and commit adultery in your heart.
Pornography
I just briefly mentioned it, but we can’t just skip over this. The sad and harsh reality is that pornography itself has weaseled its way in and has grips on so many people.
Here are some heart wrenching facts from Fight the New Drug’s website. Fight the New Drug is an organization that shares facts and personal stories about the negative impact pornography has in an effort to provoke change.
The first fact: - The average age of first exposure to pornography is the age of 12. 44% of teens reported that they viewed it intentionally. In comparison, 56% said they viewed it accidentally or were shown it by a peer.
I’m not telling you to get rid of your kids’ smart phones, but these stats alone show the intense need for boundaries and restrictions for the phones we hand our youth. We can’t just hope or expect our kids to be the exception.
We often view this struggle as just for boys, but the stats are showing that usage is growing in females as well.
Another stat: - 75% of teenager males and 70% of teenage females have viewed pornography.
But this isn’t just a struggle for teenagers or young people. Barna is a research group does a lot of surveys within the Church.
Another stat: - 78% of Christian men and 40% of Christian women consume porn on a regular basis. We have to be intentional about fighting against the use of pornography. Truly the first two steps towards that are confession and repentance. To say, I’m so sorry. I’ve not lived up to holding this gift as sacred and holy and reserved for just my spouse. I want to change…I will change…
Church we can’t forget that when we look in the mirror and reflect on the ways we’ve fallen short of the glory of God, we have a loving Savior looking at us with mercy in his eyes. The price of forgiveness has already been paid at the cross. It’s up to us to accept that forgiveness and start making some changes.
I work in ministry with college students. The stats are overwhelming for college aged usage. I interact with students often who confess a pornography addiction and have helped them in their effort to get rid of it. I’ve heard countless stories of students who’ve just tried really hard to break free from it. I always tell them what someone wise once told me, “wisdom wins when willpower wont.” As in, you need to set yourself up with some wise choices for those moments where your willpower isn’t enough.
A few wise choices I tell them:
- Give your phone a bedtime. Most often pornography is viewed late at night when you’re alone, so put your phone to bed - preferably in a different room. (Buy an alarm clock…they still make them)
- If you see something, say something. Whether it's in a movie, tv show, or online that triggers something for you, turn it off or leave and tell a trusted Christian friend.
- Put your money where your mouth is. Covenant Eyes offers software that tracks what’s on your screen and notifies your trusted advisor of any potentially inappropriate things. It’s a monthly subscription, but if you want to see change, you’ll probably need to invest some money.
- Don’t go alone. Satan would love for you to think that you’re the only one with this struggle and that no one wants to help you. But that’s not the case.
These aren’t the only things you can do, but they have all proven helpful for multiple students of mine in their struggles. That last one is especially helpful. Having an accountability partner could be some of the biggest help you need.
But hear me out. I think we often do accountability wrong in our current culture. The way accountability often plays out is that you ask someone to hold you accountable to something, like not watching pornography. It starts with good intentions, but often what happens is that every once in a while you just tell them you messed up and not much changes after that.
I think accountability needs to be more active than that. I think that your accountability partner should be checking in on you. Asking hard questions. Helping you stay true to the thing you said you want to do.
Relationships
Pornography isn’t the only thing to watch out for though. We live in a hefty media centric culture. Which is why it’s the first thing we addressed. But the things happening outside of the virtual world can be just as dangerous.
In a similar way that I don’t get a new pair of shoes and just start jumping in mudpiles. Affairs don’t just happen. No one gets married so they can cheat on their spouse.
But even when you don’t realize it, an innocent meeting can so easily turn into finding intentional time alone. Office banter can quickly become shared emotional bonding. And while you haven’t done anything physically, what impact does that have on your heart? I’m not saying you can’t be friends with co-workers or people of the opposite sex. But I do think that you need to be intentional about things like, how often you’re together, situations where you’re alone, the kinds of conversations you have, and more.
As I read scripture looking for guidance on fighting against sexual immorality, I’ve noticed that we’re never told to stand firm against it. We’re told to flee.
FLEE
Paul wrote this to the Church in Corinth: 1 Corinthians 6:18 “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.”
When I read that, I’m struck by how direct Paul is. He doesn’t say “be careful.” He doesn’t say “try harder.” He doesn’t say “manage it.” He says flee. Run. Get away. Don’t stick around long enough to see what happens next. Don’t try to find the line you shouldn’t cross.
And Paul gives us the reason: sexual sin is different. It’s not just something you do. It’s something that affects who you are. It reaches into places other sins don’t reach. It impacts your heart, your desires, your imagination, your relationships, your sense of intimacy, even your understanding of love.
It distorts the covenant of Christ and his church and it disrespects the image of God in people. Sexual sin doesn’t stay small, private, or contained.
It scuffs.
It marks.
It stains.
This is why Paul says flee. Not because God is trying to scare us, but because He’s trying to protect us. He knows how quickly a “scuff” can turn into a stain. He knows how fast a moment can turn into a pattern. He knows how easily desire can drift when we’re not paying attention.
And fleeing doesn’t mean you’re weak, it shows you’re wise.
It looks like:
- Turning off a show that awakens something unhealthy
- Stepping out of a conversation that’s drifting somewhere it shouldn’t
- Deleting an app that keeps pulling you toward temptation
- Choosing not to be alone in certain situations
- Setting boundaries with people of the opposite sex
Fleeing isn’t dramatic. It’s decisive. It’s saying, “I’m not going to wait until this becomes a stain. I’m dealing with the scuff now.”
When Paul says
“flee”, he’s not saying “run away in shame.” He’s saying “run toward Jesus.” Run toward healing. Run toward restoration. Run toward the One who can reshape your desires and strengthen your heart.
And this idea of running toward Jesus isn’t new. Scripture gives us real stories of people who either fled or didn’t — and the impact it had on their lives.
You have the story of Samson who did not flee from Delilah and it ultimately led to his demise. But you also have the story of Joseph, who fled from Potiphar's wife during her attempt to seduce him, which eventually led to him being in a position where he could preserve and care for God’s people.
So, flee. Paul’s direction to flee is intense, but not nearly as intense as Jesus’ direction in the rest of the passage from Matthew. Matthew 5:29-30 “If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” We can’t take lightly the severity in which we have been called to fight against committing adultery.
So, what does that look like for you? What do you need to get rid of or flee from to not even commit adultery in your heart?
- Do you need to delete certain apps? Get off social media? Or get rid of a smart phone altogether? If that sounds extreme, I invite you to reread Matthew 5:29-30.
I think there is something underlying in this passage from Matthew that I don’t want to miss.
Desire
I think more often than not, we often view sin as this thing we do physically, not something that happens within our hearts. That’s clearly not the case. This week we’ve talked about committing adultery and lust and last week we talked about murder and anger. There are actions, but there are also the things within the heart.
I wonder if it would be helpful for us to broaden this for a moment beyond committing adultery and to take a peek into our hearts as a whole.
I think that the desire in our hearts leads to the actions and choices we make. I’m not saying that you desired an affair in your heart and that’s what led you there. But maybe you desired to be loved or noticed in a way that you weren’t and so you started looking, even without realizing it, in other places.
Something I’m personally learning in this series is that if and when I focus my desire in God my actions and choices drastically change. Let me kind of show you what I mean through a couple of passages of scripture.
First, this passage from Galatians I think really speaks into this idea that our desires lead into our actions. Galatians 5: 16-23 “So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”
I don’t want to oversimplify this, but Paul is pointing out here that when we desire the things of the flesh, you’ll see it in our actions. But, when you desire the things of God, you’ll see it in the outpouring of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
If you want to hold more peace over your anger or self-control over immorality…then walk with and desire God. What does that look like? Let’s look at this old hymn I grew up singing that comes from Psalm 42. Psalm 42:1-2 “As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?“
I don’t know about you, but I’ve not really enjoyed the intense heat we’ve gotten these past couple of weeks. But on days where it gets especially hot and humid, I feel like I truly understand this need for water. Like the deer panting for a stream of water.
Sometimes it’s easiest to find yourself desiring God like this in moments of pain, sorrow, or difficulty, where you feel like you really need Him. But what about when everything is going right? Or just on a normal day? Maybe that’s where a bit of practice can help us this week.
Can I invite you into something this week? If it’s not already a practice of yours, would you take the first 15, 30, or 60 minutes of your day and spend them with Jesus?
This doesn’t have to look like one specific way.
- Some of you really connect with God in worship, so spend some time singing songs of worship.
- Some of you really connect with God through deep intellectual thoughts, so grab a study Bible or a commentary and start reading.
- Some of you really connect with God through nature, so go on a walk and listen to the sounds of creation.
- Some of you really connect with God through writing, so get a journal and start writing a prayer to Him.
These suggestions are not exhaustive. There are many ways people connect with God. I do believe that any way you choose to connect with God, you should spend some intentional time reading your Bible.
If we believe that: Psalm 119:105 “Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.” Then we ought to be in the Word! If we want to align our desires with God’s, it would make sense that we would spend time in his Word. So, what’s that mean for you?
- Maybe you’re here for the first time, let me tell you, in my 10 years attending this church this is the only PG-13 or greater sermon I’ve ever heard. And I’m the one preaching it!
- But in all seriousness, if something stuck out to you today about the fruit of our actions coming from our desires, the mercy in Jesus’ eyes as he looks at you, or anything else - can I invite you to The Point? As you head out into the lobby after service, or right now if you’d like, look left and you’ll see the sign at the end of the lobby. We have a team of people ready to pray with you and talk to you about what it could look like to walk with Jesus.
- Maybe your desires have spiraled out of control, and you don’t know what you truly desire. If you’re in a small group this week, I’m excited for you to process that together. If you’re not, I’d love to encourage you to sign up and process our desires with other people who are asking similar questions.
- Maybe you’re sitting here and feeling convicted about the adultery you’ve committed in your heart. I can’t plead with you enough, don’t sit in that alone. Talk to a pastor here at Lakeside. Go to The Point after service for prayer. If you want to remain more private, use the Lakeside app to get connected to a minister.
No matter your struggle or where you’re at in your walk with Jesus, He has already forgiven you. He’s waiting. Waiting for you walk in step with him, desiring Him above all else.